Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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