tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Randomize
