Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Walk of Shame today included voting.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize