Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
