That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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