just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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