Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
