Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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