So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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