Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
