I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Randomize
