I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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