Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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