help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
All I want is dick and wine.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
