how hairy? two words: wookie tits
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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