saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
