I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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