Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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