i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
