did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
