Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I can't put those talents on a resume
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
