fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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