the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize