I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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