Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Randomize
