it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Randomize
