Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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