I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
the liver wants what the liver wants
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
