At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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