I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
