I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
