well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
