I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
zippers are such a cool invention
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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