in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
We are all done wearing pants today
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
