I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
