I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize