u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
