Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
