It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
