Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
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