i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I think my vagina is haunted
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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