Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
