I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
