conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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