The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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