Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
