Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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