tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
