There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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