Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
