Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
