just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
