the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
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