I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
