Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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