I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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