the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
