Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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