I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
