D3 body, D1 cock
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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