the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Randomize
