This girl is more easily done than said...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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