Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
