he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
